You asked for them, so here is the first piece of short fiction for the blog. This story is funnier (hopefully) and sillier than my novels are, but I think you’ll like it. Please enjoy…
Truth, Justice, and Relevant Work Experience (Or Equivalent Education)
“We’ll be in touch,” said Frank, as a neon purple cape fluttered into the hall. Under his breath he added, “With someone else.”
Why did so many of these people think hurting his eyes with a flashy costume would make a good impression?
Frank tossed the resume onto his rejection pile and picked up the next one. He only had two minutes before the next interview started, so he kept his eyes on the page even as he rooted in his desk drawer for his bag of chocolate covered peanuts. Lunch was a forbidden word on interview days, and pangs in his stomach wouldn’t let him forget it.
To say that this next applicant had exaggerated his credentials was an understatement. Statements like, “Saved the director of the FBI from certain doom” probably meant he had tipped off the Bureau to something on Twitter once. Everyone wanted real rescuing experience though. Say what you have to, right?
Much of the resume didn’t even make sense, so Frank set it down and spent his last bit of time scarfing down as many peanuts as he could. Everything came out in the interview anyway.
The intercom on his phone chimed.
“Frank Overwhite, City Manager,” he answered.
“The mayor wants a word Mr. Overwhite,” said his secretary.
“Damn it Charlotte, did you tell him its interview day?”
“Trust me, he knows Frank. Should I tell him you’re busy?”
“No, he’ll just call back in the middle of the damn thing, put him through.”
A moment later the mayor’s gravelly voice came on the line.
“Frank, how are the interviews going?”
“Terrible, what do you want?” said Frank.
“I wanted to make sure you and the wife will be at that fundraiser tonight. They’re doing a memorial bit for Captain Gravitas, and Marvin’s really looking forward to seeing you and Justine again,” said the Mayor.
Frank leaned on his desk and squeezed his eyes shut. The fundraiser. Shit. What was it for? Orphaned bats or some nonsense? And another memorial for Captain Gravitas? Another one? Really? People were really milking this.
“I don’t know Mr. Mayor, Justine will be pretty busy at the school–”
“You know its important for city staff to be seen supporting local causes, Frank.”
As if you’d let anyone forget, Frank thought.
He noticed a hooded head poking in through his office door. Frank motioned the interviewee to the chair opposite him, “Of course Mr. Mayor. I’ll talk to Justine and see what we can do.”
“Wonderful,” said the mayor, “Marvin can’t wait to talk about the president’s new education initiative with her.”
“I’m sure she’s dying to hear what he has to say Mr. Mayor,” Frank said, squeezing his eyes shut. Justine couldn’t stand the mayor’s partner, or his thoughts on education. This was going to cost Frank. Dearly.
Holding a finger to the applicant, Frank got the mayor off the phone and told his secretary to call Justine about the fundraiser.
“Sorry about that,” Frank said when he was off the phone, “Busy day as you can imagine. I’m Frank Overwhite, City Manager, and you must be” –Frank consulted the resume– “Shadow…Sniff?”
“Indeed, and a pleasure it is to be here.”
“Mutual,” Frank lied, “You are aware of the circumstances under which this position became available yes?”
“An unfortunate turn of events,” said Shadow Sniff, “Captain Gravitas will be missed. That is why I knew I must step forward and apply. For Evansville needs a new protector. A new beacon of light to take up the torch and shine the way for your good citizens. Justice shall not wane in the shadow of this tragedy.”
Frank suppressed a groan and resisted the urge to rub at the pressure behind his eyes.
One of these ones. Fabulous.
“Good, so you know that the city is in mourning right now and no part of this interview process can be made public. Even on Facebook,” said Frank, “You’ll be notified if and when its okay to tell people.”
There was a brief crack in the facade as Shadow Sniff’s eyes did a panicky dart before settling on Frank’s again.
“I understand. A most prudent precaution for the sensibilities of the citizenry.”
Frank made a note to have Charlotte check up on Shadow Sniff’s Facebook and Twitter pages as he moved on to his next question.
“Now, can you take a moment to explain your powers to me, Shadow Sniff.”
Shadow Sniff’s chest inflated as he said, “Mine is a rare and wonderful power indeed. Likely I am the only one the world across who possesses it. I have the power of precognitive olfaction!”
“Olfaction? And that is what exactly?” said Frank.
“You…don’t know?” said Shadow Sniff.
“Enlighten me,” said Frank.
“I possess extra sensory perception that manifests through a sensory medium. Precognitive olfaction.”
“I’m afraid you’re going to have to be more clear than that,” said Frank. He glanced at the drawer where he kept his headache pills and drew a deep breath.
“I can sift through the very fabric of time itself. Pierce the veil of the future. With the use of a particular…heightened sense.”
“You predict the future with one of your senses?”
“Not predict. Know.”
“Of course. And which sense would that be? Hearing? Sight?”
“My olfactory sense.”
Frank paused and only just managed to not squeeze his eyes shut. Olfactory into olfaction. That was a new one.
“Are you telling me your super power is that you can smell things before they happen?”
“That’s a rather crude way of putting it, but you grasp the fundamentals.”
“I see. Can you give me an example of when you’ve used this power in a real crime scenario?”
“I once stopped a bus crash with it!”
“Really? That’s rather impressive, can I have details?” Shadow Sniff drew in a breath and got a look Frank recognized all too well in his eye, so Frank added, “Concise details, please. I am on a schedule today.”
“Yes…of course…”
Frank could a feel a groan pushing at the back of his throat. Obviously Shadow Sniff had never told the story without adding his own brand of flourish.
“Well I…was walking by a lake at my former city when I smelled diesel fuel and smoke. There was only one thing that could be, so I notified the lesser authorities immediately. All school bus routes for the next month were changed daily to not only avoid the lake, but throw off any nefarious minds who might mean the children harm.”
“You knew from the smell of diesel fuel and smoke that a bus was going to crash?”
“That is the mysterious nature of my gift.”
“You didn’t suspect that it could have been a semi overturned? Or a boat catching fire, since you were near a lake?”
“My gift is very complicated and difficult to explain.”
“Of course. Let’s move on to your past experience. Your last city was Grand Rapids, yes?”
As he asked the question, Frank checked the resume. Charlotte, bless her, had jotted a note next to the Grand Rapids entry stating “Let go due to complaints from school board”.
“Yes, and you’ll find that their crime statistics were much better when I left than when I arrived. Especially murder.”
Frank’s eyebrows rose, “You helped solve murders?”
“I was a key element in a number of investigations.”
“Can you give me an example?”
“In one case, the police were befuddled as to where a key witness would be found. However, with my extraordinary powers I was able to tell them from the smell of her perfume that she would be at her home shortly after getting off work later that day. Her testimony solved the case!”
“I…don’t know what they would have done without you.”
The interview didn’t get better from there. The inside of Frank’s mouth was raw from biting back his words when Shadow Sniff strode from the room fifteen minutes later. Reaching for the headache pills with one hand, he punched a button on his phone with the other.
“Charlotte, can you ask the next one to wait five minutes?”
“That bad, huh?”
“You have no idea. Can you get Justine on the phone?”
“I’ll try, Mr. Overwhite.”
Frank popped a couple headache pills, then looked over Shadow Sniff’s resume, made a few quick notes, and dropped it in the rejection pile.
The silly power wasn’t the issue with Shadow Sniff. Hell, there was a hero in a small city in Wyoming whose only power was that he could control electrical circuits by clapping, and everyone loved him. SWAT teams called on him once in a while to cut power without damaging property and that was about it.
No, the problem with Shadow Sniff was that he didn’t want to be a hero. He wanted to be a hero. Evansville didn’t need a hero. They needed a mascot in tights.
Just smile for the cameras, buddy.
Frank had said it to Captain Gravitas he didn’t know how many times, whenever the hero would get down on himself. It happened, once in a while, that a superhero got to thinking that maybe he should do more crime fighting than smiling for the cameras. Frank had never had much trouble pulling Captain Gravitas out of it and reminding him of what really mattered. A good photo op usually ended the funk.
A sigh escaped Frank’s chest. The Captain had been perfect for Evansville. No delusions of grandeur. No desire to risk his life fighting actual criminals the police were trained to handle. Content to handle the softer crimes and weigh in on investigations when his power could be of use. Gravitas could say the right things about justice and truth, and whip up a patriotic hometown frenzy at a press conference like no one else.The man had been a living, breathing, ten foot levitating PR goldmine. For the city with the lowest crime rate in the state, no one would be able to replace him.
The phone rang.
“Frank Overwhite, City Manager.”
“I’ll be there, but if you miss the next birthing class you’re dead,” said Justine.
Frank smiled. A father, at his age. Who would’ve guessed? They hadn’t planned for this, but Frank couldn’t have been happier.
“Thanks, honey. I owe you one.”
“For putting up with Marvin, you owe me five. What is this fundraiser for anyway?”
“Invalid hedgehogs? Something to do with a rodent I think. I’m sure they’ll tell us all about it after we sit through the thing on Captain Gravitas.”
“Gravitas?”
“Yeah, another memorial. Can you believe that? You’d think he died saving the city the way people are carrying on–”
Justine had already started in before Frank remembered.
“Shut up Frank! Its going to be beautiful. A beautiful service for a beautiful, beautiful man,” said Justine. Frank could hear the strain in her voice as she fought back the tears.
“Now honey–”
“Don’t you now honey me Franklin. I’m allowed to express my feelings.”
“Yes, yes of course you are dear. I’m sorry I–”
“No you’re not,” and Justine finally broke down crying.
Frank tried to calm himself. For whatever reason the pregnancy hormones had been doing a number on Justine when it came to any mention of Captain Gravitas.
“Honey, everyone misses him but you can’t keep breaking down at every mention of his name. Don’t you care about what people think? Hell sweetie, we don’t even know his real name and–”
“Is that all you care about Franklin? Appearances? The man is dead!”
“And his death makes zero difference to anyone in the real world. Now please stop blubbering.”
The word’s were out of his mouth before Frank even realized they were coming.
“You take that back!”
“Why do you care so much about a cape wearing PR whore?” Frank said and slammed the phone down.
Immediately he picked up the phone again and buzzed Charlotte.
“Call Justine back and apologize for me,” said Frank.
To her credit, all Charlotte said was, “Your next one’s ready Mr. Overwhite.”
“Send them in.”
This time it was the utter lack of costume that got Frank’s attention. The woman who entered his office was dressed in a smart business suit with a blue-tooth in her ear and a leather folder that she opened on her lap.
Frank raised his eyebrows and took his first glance at the next resume. He almost reached for the headache pills again right then.
“Scoop Girl,” said Frank, “The Gazette is getting original. Last time they sent Reporter Man.”
“A journalist has to have a little fun,” said the woman, smirking at him, “Shall we get right into it?”
“No comment,” said Frank.
“Oh I’m not here for a story,” she said, “I’m here to interview.”
This time Frank did squeeze his eyes shut. “Are we really doing this?”
“What would my responsibilities be as this city’s hero? I understand your previous hero died. I just want to know what dangerous situation I’d be diving in to take care of.”
“Well, Scoop Girl, Captain Gravitas died because he slipped in the shower and cracked his skull open–”
“Allegedly.”
“Actually. That is, actually, how he died. So no dangerous situations to address. As far as responsibilities go, mostly you’ll use your amazing powers of getting in people’s hair to annoy the unsavory residents of the city into moving away. Maybe if the costume is skimpy enough we’ll let you do all the month’s in the police calendar this year.”
“Cute,” the reporter said, “But really, what villains can I expect to face in this position?”
“This is Evansville. We don’t have any villains. We barely have criminals.”
“And how much taxpayer money would I be getting paid by the city?”
“I’m afraid you’re not right for the position, Scoop Girl, thanks for applying,” said Frank, striding to the door of his office and opening it, “Please remember that the city is in mourning and no part of this interview process may be shared, even on Facebook. We’ll let you know if and when its okay to tell people.”
The reporter snapped her folder shut and shot Frank a smile that positively dripped with venom as she left the office.
“Mr. Overwhite,” said Charlotte before Frank could close the door. She hurried over and handed him a note. “From Justine. She says this is why she cares so much.”
She didn’t make eye contact.
Frank thanked her, closed the door, and returned to his desk.
“Oh boy,” he said, fiddling with the note. After spending several minutes staring at it and planning his apology, he set the note aside without opening it. He’d scheduled a break after this next interview. His execution could wait, right?
Gorging the last of his peanuts over the next resume, Frank couldn’t help but wonder why any hero who called himself The Human Crayon would even bother applying for a city position.
When the hero walked in, Frank was once again stunned by the lack of costume. All the man had on was jeans and a white t-shirt.
“Sorry about the outfit,” he said, “I couldn’t decide so I just came in my civies. I hope that doesn’t hurt my chances.”
“Not necessarily,” said Frank, “Though you’ll need a costume at some point.”
Frank went through the usual opening spiel then asked, “So your powers involve color somehow?”
“Yeah, telekinetic pigmentation. Or at least I think that’s the term…okay, to be honest, a guy in my last city told me I needed to make my power sound fancier if anyone was going to take me seriously in the big leagues. Really I just change how things look with my mind.”
The big leagues? This kid considered Evansville the big leagues?
“So you change the color of things with your mind. Great. How–”
“Oh not just the color,” said The Human Crayon, “I change how things look. Watch.”
Frank saw the kid’s shirt change from a plain white t-shirt into a bright Hawaiian floral print, then a dull red button-up, and finally an ugly green Christmas sweater, before shifting back again.
“See?”
“Oh I see alright,” said Frank, his mind working on exciting possibilities. A hero who could perfectly disguise undercover cops headquartered in Evansville, perhaps? “And this works on people?”
“No, nothing alive. Just inanimate stuff.”
Damn. Well, kids would eat it up anyway. Especially with the name The Human Crayon.
“Now your resume says you have experience with crime fighting. Can you explain to me how that works with a power like yours?”
“Well you see I…the thing is I had a lot of very important things that the police did me have—had me do, that is…can I get some water?”
Frank pointed to the carafe of water in the corner and The Human Crayon helped himself before saying, “I was part of the city’s gang unit.”
“You had gangs in a town of twenty thousand?” said Frank.
“Yeah. I mean…sort of…mostly they just went around tagging stuff,” said The Human Crayon.
“Tagging stuff? You mean like graffiti?” said Frank.
“Yeah! That’s where I came in. A lot cheaper than painting over things, you know.”
“I imagine so,” said Frank, making a note of the potential cost savings to Parks and Rec for beautification.
They went through a few more questions before Frank thanked The Human Crayon for his time and the hero got up to leave. Frank found himself strangely impressed. Nervous and green as the kid was, he actually had potential.
As the hero was leaving Frank said, “Kid. How attached are you to the name?”
“I could change it,” said The Human Crayon.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Frank made a few final notes on the resume and put it in his pile to be called for a second interview. The mayor wouldn’t like having a hero on training wheels, but as long as they could change the name to something less ridiculous he might go for it.
Then it was time.
The note from Justine was still sitting there. Frank couldn’t put off opening it any longer. Not if he wanted to live through the fundraiser tonight.
What had Charlotte said the note was? The reason why Justine cared so much about Captain Gravitas dying, right? Steeling himself with a ragged breath, he opened the note and read it.
Because this is his baby.
