10. “I accidentally killed the guy you hired to do this job, so I’m going to finish it for you.”
Hey, how were you supposed to know that the guy running from the city guard was actually trying to avoid capture so he could deliver the one object that is necessary to save the world from destruction to the one person who knows how to use it? You aren’t psychic! Still bust this one out at any ordinary job interview, and it likely won’t have the result you’re hoping for.
9. “I can see why someone as pathetic as you needs to hire someone like me.”
On an adventure this might be just the right way to convince a less than imposing potential employer to hire you. In the real world, it’s more than likely going to get you roughed up by security on the way out.
8. “Know this: I will serve you for as long as it is necessary, and then I will destroy you.”
A big bad evil guy will likely appreciate your dedication to the pursuit of power and purpose and keep you on for your usefulness anyway. An ordinary employer will probably just think, “this guy’s not going to honor the non-compete clause” and kick you to the curb.
7. “When I’m in a tight spot, I like to just set things on fire.”
Hey, we get it, fire solves a lot of things. But in a professional environment, setting problems on fire generally isn’t productive. Especially if you work in customer service, for which alive customers are quite necessary.
6. “How many of you have to survive for me to get paid?”
While a genuine question on many a fantasy adventurer escorting a group of people less than able to defend themselves through dangerous territory, a regular employer will probably just wonder why survival is even in question in the first place.
5. “Can I get paid in treasure?”
While one could argue that dollars are treasure, you definitely can’t get paid in the kind of treasure that fantasy enthusiasts love. Maybe vacation days can be considered treasure?
4. “Half upfront, or I kill everyone.”
A freelancer must be firm in collecting payment from clients. A freelancer must not be this firm in collecting payment from clients.
3. “My strength is that I destroy my enemies with ruthless efficiency. My weakness is that I have a difficult time telling my friends from my enemies.”
Even the most understanding of employers isn’t likely to overlook this particular blindspot. If this is a problem for you, perhaps invest in some therapy before going on your next job interview.
2. “There’d better be plenty of ale on this job.
Admittedly, if the job you’re applying for is as a bartender this one might actually have its place. Maybe the last bar you tended kept running out? But otherwise, you probably don’t want to bust this out no matter how casual the work environment is at your desired gig.
1. “My last three employers are all dead because they wouldn’t listen to me.
As an adventurer, your employers simply won’t listen to you about not going into the dangerous part of the swamp where all the fire spiders live. Hey, understandable. As a regular job seeker, this one is likely to raise some eyebrows about who these employers were and what caused their demise that won’t end well for anyone.
